I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just googled if crying burns calories
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
