Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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