Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
