I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
