You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
