You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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