You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
