hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need to align my fucking chakras
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
