Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
