I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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