My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
