It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
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No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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