I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
