She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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