dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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