matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
