I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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