look no pants
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
