my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
