I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize