what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
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She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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