it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
