During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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