I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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