Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
