How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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