I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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