I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
