I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
