Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
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I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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