well you can't waste a boner
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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