If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
