im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
