This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
