Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
