Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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