1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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