I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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