I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize