i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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