We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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