Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
