woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
