i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
