im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
