Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
