playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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