Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We are all done wearing pants today
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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