im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
