just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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