wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
