My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
