I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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