so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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