i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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