I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
