Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
